I
am no marriage expert but with my five years of experience as a married woman,
I think I have learned a few lessons that are worth sharing and teaching
brides-to-be and newlyweds. So, here goes…
First
off, from the very beginning, believe that marriage is a blessing, always a
blessing. You see, there is no more special bond between a man and a woman than
being married. As a husband, you assume the role of a protective father, a dependable brother, a
sincere friend and a lover to your wife. The same is true for the wife, you can assume
the role of a loving mother, a supportive sister, a trustworthy friend or a lover depending on what the
situation requires. In marriage, you become the closest person to your spouse,
thereby opening so many opportunities to become a blessing to your spouse.
When
you think of marriage as a blessing from God, you make it worth cherishing
every moment. It is something you will thank God for. It becomes a positive
thing in your life. You make it worth saving when the time comes that it
becomes troubling. Marriage becomes something you don’t want to lose just like
all the other blessings in your life such as your health, your wealth, your
family, your business or your job. You would never want to lose any of those,
right?
Now,
when you consider your marriage as a blessing, always remember the ayah in the
Qur’an that tells us to “treat your spouses like your garments”. That is how
you treat your spouse, like your garment. What does that entail? How do you
treat your garment? You wash it and you iron it. You want it to appear as
clean, as pristine as possible. That’s how you should present your spouse to
others, as pristine as possible, not a speck of dirt or impurity on him or her.
That’s the only allowable thing you can talk about him or her. What does your
garment do to you? It covers you. So, cover his or her shame and secrets too.
Do not ever reveal them to others, not even to your mother or your father. What
else does your garment do to you? It protects you from the heat or the cold.
That’s what you do to your spouse. You protect him or her from those who talk
or act against him or her, those who want to harm him or her. You take good care of
his or her reputation, no matter what. You protect him or her. If you, the
closest person to him or her will not do that, who will? You are a garment to
him or her, like a second skin. That’s how close you should be to your spouse.
That’s what God wants you to become as a spouse, to do as a spouse, as
husband and wife. Be like garments to each other.
The
second wisdom I want to share is loving your spouse for the sake of Allah. This
should be the primary reason why you love your spouse, not for any other
reason: not for money, for education, for inheritance, for achievements or what not. All other
reasons have loopholes, which under many circumstances can make the marriage
vulnerable to degradation. But when you love your spouse for the sake of Allah, you know that you
are pleasing Allah. And in pleasing Allah, you know that you are gaining good
deeds and you are rewarded in the Hereafter. Whenever you make your spouse feel
good, you please Allah. That’s a good deed. Whenever you cook for him food or
treat her in a restaurant of her choice, you gain another good deed. Whenever
you give him or her gifts that delight him or her, you gain another good deed.
Whenever you greet him or her with a big smile and a loving hug, you have another
good deed. Whenever you serve him or her, that is additional good deed. In your
mind, you are serving Allah. When this is your mentality, every single time he
or she asks favor from you, you will never get tired or be lazy of serving your spouse because you are reminded that it will please Allah and Allah will reward
you for it. At the same time, it improves your marriage to a greater degree
every time you please each other, delight
each other and serve each other. An eagerness to serve is implanted in your
hearts, which grows every time it is watered with good deeds. The husband
treats his wife like a queen and the wife treats her husband like a king.
Imagine if we all think that way and act that way towards our spouses. Ma shaa
Allah, wouldn’t we all have happy marriages and happy families? So much good
deeds which can be done just in the comfort of our homes. And such behavior gets passed
on towards our children and to their children and then to their children’s
children. How happy the world would be, if only we love for the sake of Allah.
Reality
check! There will always be problems, which arise in all marriages, always,
always, always. Now, remember the ayah in the Qur’an which states that Allah
does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. You got married to each other. You are destined for each other. You make things work. You make your marriage
work. If you come to a point when you think that your spouse becomes a burden
or your marriage becomes burdensome, remember that you were given that burden by
Allah who created you, and Allah knows you more than yourself. Know that Allah does not
burden a soul beyond that it can bear. Therefore, apply the law of transitivity! If
a=b and b=c, then a=c! Therefore, your spouse is a burden that you can bear.
Your marriage is a burden you can bear. Just have patience and faith. You can
make it work. Do not give up so easily. Do not, for a second, think that you
cannot take it anymore or that you’ve had enough. That should not be the
attitude of a Muslim. When your spouse or your marriage becomes a test for you,
don’t fail it. Don’t fail yourself. Strive and struggle, if you must.
What
do you do when you have a test? You prepare for it. You study hard. You
research as much as possible. You should do the same with your spouse and your
marriage. You prepare by seeking advice about marriage from learned people,
like from an aleem or aleema. You study by reading the Shari’ah about the
rights and duties of the husband and the wife. You research by finding all
possible halal ways of resolving your problems and finding out what’s the best
compromise the both of you can do for your marriage to work. Exhaust all
possible halal means to save your marriage, to avoid failing yourself, to bear the
burden, to pass the test and to ultimately, please Almighty Allah at all costs.
The
third wisdom all married couples must learn is to never let your pride get in
the way of a happy marriage. Pride spoils any situation, especially when it
involves a husband and a wife. Unfortunately, this is something that happens in
many young couples and even in old couples who still haven’t learned it yet.
Where does your pride come from? Remember Iblees, the Devil? He is the very
first creature who expressed his pride in the history of God’s creation. When
Allah ordered the angels and Iblees to bow down to Adam, everyone bowed down
except for Iblees. Why? Because of pride, not towards Allah but towards Adam.
Iblees, a jinn, thought of himself to be more superior compared to
Adam, a man. Iblees was made from smokeless fire while Adam was made from
dustless soil or earth. Iblees was created before Adam was created. So, why
should Iblees bow down to Adam? Because the Almighty Allah, the Creator,
ordered so. Iblees and the angels are not bowing down because they are lower
beings than Adam. They ought to bow down because Allah, their Creator, said so.
Bowing down to Adam is an act of obedience to Allah, if only Iblees first
thought of that, instead of letting pride poison his heart and instead of being
self-centered. But Allah knows Best for Allah is the Best of Planners. The
lesson here is that, the act of bowing down does not show Iblees’s relationship to
Adam, but instead shows Iblees’s relationship to Allah. The same thing is true in marriage, your
relationship with your spouse, whether it be good or bad, reflects a great deal your relationship with the Almighty Allah. You cannot say that you are a
good Muslim without being a good husband or a good wife because you know that
your marriage is a sacred relationship which Allah has gifted to you.
In marriage, why
do we let pride get in the way of a successful marriage? Why do we let pride
get in the way of having happy moments with our spouses? Why break our
relationships with pride and self-centeredness? Why? Is it because we don’t
want the other to win an argument? If the other wins, does it mean you are less
intelligent, less smart? Does it affect your self-perception, your
self-confidence? Does it make you less of a person if you try to compromise
with your spouse or to be the first one to give in or perhaps first to admit your
mistake? When your spouse makes mistakes, why don’t you forgive him or her
right away? Why prolong the agony and misery? Do you want him or her to suffer
emotionally first? Do you want him or her to feel so bad and depressed for the
meantime? Excuse me, would you like Allah to do the same to you, i.e., to not
forgive you; to make you suffer; or to punish you right away; and to not give
you a chance to redeem and change yourself for the better as soon as possible? Don’t you make
mistakes yourself? You make mistakes and so does your spouse. You are both
human beings. Always remember that pride is a waswas or whisper of Iblees, of
Shaytan, of the Devil. It could only come from Iblees and Iblees wants you to
feel that pride, so your marriage will fail, so you can fail as a believer of
Allah, like Iblees had failed in doing his duty to Allah also. To be overcome with pride is a surefire way
to fail as a Muslim.
The first sacred
relationship that Allah made for man is marriage, by giving Adam a spouse, his
partner in life and in the Hereafter, by giving Adam a wife named Eve. She was
God’s gift to Adam. Your marriage is a sacred relationship given by Allah. God
gifted you with a spouse. Alhamdulillah! Would you spoil it with pride, the
ultimate trait that made Iblees fail in his obedience to Allah? Don’t! By all
means, don’t! Instead of letting pride get in the way by focusing on the
negative traits of your spouse and how you can get back at him or her, why
don’t you just let the grace of Allah be the center of your marriage by
focusing on the good rewards you will receive through your relationship with
your spouse by being more patient, more tolerant, more understanding and more
forgiving. Be the first to initiate how to find a solution. Be the first to
compromise. Be the first to listen. Be the first to forgive, the first to say
that you are sorry. If it’s not your fault at all, then be the first to open up
the communication lines and make both of you understand the issue or the
problem, its causes and the solutions or options you can do so the problem
doesn’t blow out of proportion or won’t repeatedly happen like a vicious cycle.
Forget self-pride. Don’t let pride spoil your marriage. Communicate with your spouse with an open mind and a soft heart.
To the couples-to
be and newlyweds, give yourselves the greatest gift and most beautiful favor of your lives and
have a happy marriage that serves as a sacred blessing to you both husband and
wife by loving your spouse first and foremost for the sake of Allah and by removing
pride in the beautiful canvass of your marriage. Have a blissful and blessed
married life!
